I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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