Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
