Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
