Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
