The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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