Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
