Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
