just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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