I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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