he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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