That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
