So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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