Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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