i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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