Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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