He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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