Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
