I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
