it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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