i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
