The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
