Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
