The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
