I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
