I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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