that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
