Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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