And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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