i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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