I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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