Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
