your parents love me but you hate me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
