Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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