I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
