Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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