I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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