this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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