I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
