You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
