I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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