If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
