I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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