You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
