I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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