Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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