So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
