I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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