checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
