Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
