I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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