Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
