You're completely useless in the revolution.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
